I Wish I Could Stick To My Guns

I wish I was the type of person who could stick to my guns. When I made the promise to myself to get better I really meant it. But to get myself to stay committed is something I have yet to accomplish. People say I need to look “big picture”. They tell me, “it’s a journey.” But for a perfectionist like me, that’s not good enough. Instead, I sit wishing I had the self-control knowing I’m the reason my life feels all over the place. I’m constantly reminded of that, which leaves me feeling sub-par. I know that occasionally my choices make me feel worse and I’m left questioning why I make certain decisions in the first place.

Multiple people in my life, from multiple countries, on multiple continents, have told me that I am meant to be vulnerable. I’ve been called a trailblazer, a natural leader, a unique and creative person with huge potential. They told me to “remember them when I’m changing the big world and living my dreams out.” And I want to do that. I want to have a large, international influence. But I’m embarrassed, because yes that is my dream, but here I am with 25 followers on my blog, friends that cancel on me, and people who forget I exist.

I used to be able to picture my dream life, but now I’m scared to and I feel like it’s slowly fading away. I used to look forward to life, but now I can’t even look into the future. It’s a fear of mine. Now here I am, feeling empty because I feel far away from the dream inside my head.